On the Art of Making Friends in Africa

"The Wall" at Refuge

At the fellowship I serve as pastor, the leadership is committed to fulfilling what we believe our calling to be relationally connected to the Church of Jesus Christ around the world in our shared purpose of making disciples. Given that our town is predominantly white, I find it an oxymoron that our last name is “International.” But at the present time, we know people who are serving in the Philippines, in New Zealand, in China, in Liberia, Nigeria, Egypt, Uganda, Kenya, Guatemala, among Somali refugees in our own county, and among First Nations people living on the Lac Coutre Oreilles Reservation about an hour north of here. As I related a few posts back (Culture Shock and Awe), everyone I have just referenced has shared on more than one occasion at the weekly worship gathering of our fellowship and while they do not all receive regular financial support from us, they are prayed for with regularity. What's more, in recent years small teams from here have gone to a few of these individuals to visit and encourage them in their work there.

Last year, the small group in charge of planning our annual missions event felt led to focus on Africa.

This was curious to me for at the time we only knew a handful of individuals serving there and they were little more than acquaintances. But we set our course and in time, a connection with a pastor in Uganda who had shared at Refuge a few years before was renewed quite serendipitously and that spring a man from Africa was standing in our sanctuary inviting us, “to come to Africa and serve the Lord.” That unusual experience was repeated twice again that spring – once by a man from Nigeria and once by a man from Liberia ("GO TO AFRICA!"). Clearly, the Lord was calling us to go there.

Eventually, two small teams from here went “over there” earlier this year. One team, led by one of our elders, went to Kenya because of a prior relationship with the sister of a pastor serving there. The team that I was a part of, led by another of our elders, went to Uganda a few weeks later. We went in search of friends. And we found and met many. In fact, my “friend” stat on Facebook went up dramatically because of that field trip to the Pearl of Africa.

Dolores (LCO) and Linda have become friends

But developing friends via social media alone involves a learning curve of sorts. We didn't go over there with bags of money or with the overt intention to start throwing our financial weight around. But we were immediately aware that many of our new African acquaintances misread our intentions. Thinking we were there to find some worthy project to get behind, we became the belles at the ball being feted by one consort or another. Now most didn't lay it on too thick but in one instance where we were escorted all around a certain rural district from one project to another we became very uncomfortable when it was clear the group leader wanted to elicit a financial commitment from us. It's not a healthy way to build a friendship.

Because I am a pastor, I was given the floor at nearly every stop to preach. I'm not uncomfortable in speaking off the cuff. My ministry at the Justice Center has taught me to do so with ease. But what made it awkward at times is when we would be gently pressed to make certain promises of financial commitment and this we could not – nor would not – do.

I don't want to give the wrong impression. It wasn't all of them. And even those who button-holed us are clearly doing good work with very limited means. But they obviously viewed us as cash cows simply because we are Americans and milking time was here.

Pastor John

Since returning from Uganda, I have remained in contact via Facebook chat with several of my new friends. And in fact, both of the pastors of the fellowships we shared at while we were there just last month shared at Refuge. But here's where it gets awkward. Some of my new friends have not even tried to be coy about the matter and asked if we would help them financially. In the last few months, I've been asked to help pay for tuition, for medicine, and to help alleviate a financial downturn in a person's life. None know or guess that at times I am chatting with a few of them at the same time and each is asking that I help with their particular need. I replied to one Ugandan teen's friend request and every day I was bombarded for a plea to send money so she could go to school. It got to be where I had to ignore her chats until she gave up on me. Last month, I asked a friend of mine who has been serving in East Africa for fifteen years how best to respond to these requests for aid. He shared with me that in Africa where there is a much more sense of community people share with one another more readily than they do in the States. It makes me think how different our worlds are: one of my friends on this side of the world is a very wealthy individual but I would never even think to ask him for money for fear how it would affect our friendship; but what if part of what we would call a lack of social grace is really an expression of recognition that we are, after all, friends and friends share with friends?

Pastor Moses

The two Ugandan pastors that shared at Refuge each spoke of looking for “partners” for the different projects they have begun whose focus is to help alleviate the plight of orphans – and in Uganda there are so many orphans! But when I think of the word “partner” I think of two people who are in relationship and are working together toward a common goal. What I think they mean is they are looking for “investors”, people who will make a one-time or an ongoing investment to help those who are fatherless. It's not that what they are doing is not support-worthy. It's not that I think they will misappropriate the funds for selfish purposes. It's the fact that I do not want to begin a kingdom venture motivated by guilt alone. For several years our family, for a minimal amount, has supported an orphan in Guatemala. For our commitment for doing so, we received a grainy black-and-white photograph with the kid's name on it and nothing since. I write that check without so much of a thought and I trust it is going to what the ministry says it uses my funds for. But honestly, my concern for him has not grown since Day 1. Sitting at my office desk, I can't even think of his name. Somehow this does not seem right to me.

I guess I've taken the stance of Peter and John on their way to the Temple to pray. A lame beggar reaches out to them as was his daily custom. Maybe they saw that guy hundreds of times since setting up shop in Jerusalem. But that day, Peter looked at him and said,

“I don’t have a nickel to my name, but what I do have, I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk!” He grabbed him by the right hand and pulled him up. In an instant his feet and ankles became firm. He jumped to his feet and walked. (Acts 3:6-8, The Message)

When the student in his final year at secondary school asks me for help paying for his tuition, I pray with him and tell him to trust God to meet his needs. When our tour guide from the day we went boating on the Nile asks me to send money to his foundation dedicated to helping orphans, I pray with him that God will provide the funds he is seeking. When my friend John is asking me again for a contribution for the new primary school his fellowship has begun, I go to prayer with him. I'm not trying to give them the brush-off. I'm not trying to hide behind religious rigamarole risking a rebuke from James (see James 2:14-18) . It may be the day will come when we will be sending regular donations their way but not because we are feeling guilty about living in the abundance of America. Rather because the love of God compels us to do just this. Right now, we're building friendships and those take time to build. We don't want to be their source or sugar daddy. We just want to be their friends.