(Mostly) Happily Ever After

The Princess kissed the frog.

He turned into a prince.

And they lived happily ever after...

Well, let's just say they lived sort of happily for a long time.

Okay, so they weren't so happy.

In fact, they were miserable.

From The Frog Prince CONTINUED by Jon Scieszka

Several years ago I discovered for myself the wonderful talent of Jon Scieszka (rhymes with Fresca), the former middle school science teacher-turned author of such wonderful books as Squids will be Squids, The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, and The Time Warp Trio Series among many others. In his short story entitled The Frog Prince CONTINUED, Jon gives us the sequel of the classic Grimm's fairy tale The Frog Prince. You know the old yarn: bratty prince gets turned into a frog by an ugly witch and in order to get “princi-fied” again must convince a beautiful princess to kiss him. It's a love story that has been spun and re-spun in many variations through the years be it Beauty and the Beast, The Music Man, The King and I and (my youngest daughter's current personal favorite) Tangled. Who among us doesn't love a good love story? But Scieszka's version tells the tale of life after the hero and the heroine fall in love, marry and settle down and the way he describes it...well...it's not very fairy-tale-ish. “...let's just say they lived sort of happily for a long time. Okay, so they weren't so happy. In fact, they were miserable.” Yeah, any of us who have been married for any length of time can relate. Sometimes in your married life you find yourself looking for that “happily ever after” component that you just assumed would be a normal part of your life after you said “I do.”

I have been known to drive my wife crazy

In twenty years of ministry, I've had the honor of presiding at a lot of weddings. Some have been big productions. Some have been more intimate gatherings in someone's backyard. I've seen brides come down the aisle splendidly adorned in regal gowns and one in a white pair of jeans. I had a best man pass out once (but fortunately after he had handed the rings to the groom) and a couple of years ago on a day where I presided at two weddings in different locations in our city I witnessed not one but both brides leap for joy like bass jumping out of the water after pronouncing she and her groom husband and wife. But regardless of the weather or the location or the circumstances, I think I can with some authority say that we in America love a good wedding – the pageantry, the ceremony, the food and wine that flows freely at an evening of celebration. The groom hasn't looked so good for as long as anyone can remember. The bride looks simply amazing and radiant. In the audience many of her friends and relatives have seized the opportunity to upgrade their wardrobe with a dress that's just killer. In this digital age, the photo sessions that precede and follow the ceremony have transformed your run-of-the-mill wedding into an event. A few months ago, in the wake of the Kim Cardashian 72-day marriage debacle, TIME magazine columnist Joel Stein put it aptly when he said, “We have created a wedding culture where marriage is less important than the wedding, which is less important than the Vegas bachelorette party, which is less important than the Facebook photos of the bachelorette party.” (“The End of Kardaschadenfreude” in TIME November 14, 2011.) I don't know if the man is a Christian but if I had been present when he spoke those words I would have called out, “Amen, brother. Preach it.” I suspect a lot of us would do the same.

Yeah, we love a good wedding. It's just marriage that people aren't as excited about – regular, daily, and – yes - sometimes boring, monogamy. Maybe we've seen way too many chick flicks or sitcoms where every imaginable marital conflict is ultimately neatly cleaned up in a reasonable amount of time. But “neat” and “tidy” is not real life. Most of us, even on our best days, don't look anywhere close to the trim and fit and put together stars and starlets who attempt to portray us on the big and small screen. Sometimes we're crabby and our hair is a mess and we're overweight and our breath is bad. As the Princess tells the Prince in Scieszka's story: “First you keep me awake all night with your horrible, croaking snore. Now I find a lily pad in your pocket. I can't believe I actually kissed your slimy frog lips. Sometimes I think we would both be better off if you were still a frog.” Happily ever after? Not.

I don't take a lot of stock in the ability of the bride or groom to hear or remember anything I say to them on their wedding day. (After all, were it not for the fact we had our wedding video-taped I don't think I could tell you what our pastor told us at our wedding over twenty-five years ago.) I'm just so much background noise and simply there to say “the magic words.” But I am certain there is NOTHING I can say, no razzle-dazzle I can perform, no profound prayer I can offer that will “divorce -proof” a couple's marriage. Because contrary to what the fairy tales tell us every marriage is not made in heaven – it's made on earth between two, basically self-centered people who are embarking on an experiment of whether or not they can live together (mostly) happily ever after. Invoking solemn words they commit themselves to this endeavor for life (Have you ever been to a wedding where the vows were essentially, “Let's just try this out for awhile”? Of course not. No, that's the rationale that a lot of couples have for living together these days but I digress):

...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part...

Do these young people realize the implications of the vows they so blithely utter? Not in the least. At that point in their relationship – even if they have been co-habitating together for awhile as many do without any sense of shame these days - they are still looking at their partner through a rosy pair of glasses. Sure they see a few faults but they pale in the sight of their strengths and darn good looks. But ten years from now I guarantee they will look at their spouse differently provided they get that far.

If there is any “magic” in those vows its to the degree I still pay attention to them as I live out my life with my wife. Before God and a whole bunch of witnesses once upon a summer day in 1986 I vowed to love and hold fast to Linda throughout the seasons of our life together. We've had some great seasons together and we've had other seasons. Even pastors and ministers are subject to the same kinds of stress-ors that everyone else deals with. And grass always looks greener “over there.” But a promise is a promise after all and so as I seek with God's grace and help to love my wife in the way I vowed I would I have found that our mutual love and respect for each other deepens, widens, lengthens, heightens. Not overnight – we have become way too accustomed these days to get what we want fast and on the cheap – for healthy, loving relationships can never be microwaved. They can only be lovingly and carefully nurtured so that over time they develop into something that not only is a blessing to each other but to all in their circle.

"Some luck comes in getting what we have, not what we want..." (Garrison Keillor)

In the premarital counseling that my wife and I take all couples through, we address communication issues, practicing forgiveness, understanding personality types and the like. It's all well and good and probably helpful (I've never yet had someone come back and tell me that the things I shared with them during premarital counseling was, in their opinion, a bunch of baloney.) But more and more I've come to the understanding that since marriage was first, and foremost, God's idea (it's the first ceremony mentioned in the Bible after all) that the goal of marriage is not personal fulfillment or, even, happiness (although I've personally found a lot of happiness in 25+ years of marriage). Rather, it is that our marriage ultimately reflect the kind of relationship between Christ and his church which can be best described in what the Bible refers to as “loving-faithfulness.” The vows I made to Linda back in 1986, that I'm still seeking to fulfill, train me in that kind of love and as I get better at practicing that I find, lo and behold, that always I am loved more than I love, and held more than I hold. It is the way that sort of love works.

In Scieszka's version of the story, the Prince, deciding that the only way to be happy again is to run away from the castle (and the Princess) and find a witch somewhere who would turn him back into a frog, runs into one misfit sorceress after another. Eventually, a fairy godmother on her way to help a village girl get to a ball, tries her hand at re-frogging him only to turn him into a wagon. Yeah, bad luck. Fortunately, the spell only lasts until midnight at which time he is returned to his Prince-self a much wiser guy and makes a beeline for the castle. For her part, she's been worried sick about him so that when he comes to the door she fusses over him. And then...?

The Prince looked at the Princess who had believed him when no one else in the world had, the Princess who had actually kissed his slimy frog lips. The Princess who loved him. The Prince kissed the Princess. They both turned into frogs. And they hopped off happily ever after. The End.

Now that's the kind of fairy tale I can relate to.