A 21st Century American Wedding

This past weekend I presided at a wedding that has become the usual for me – a bride, a groom and a baby between them surrounded by kids from his first marriage and from her previous two. A blended family they are and while the groom lived with his parents before they were officially wed, obviously that they have a beautiful four-month-old son together reminds everyone that consummation has already occurred. They are not kids themselves – both are in their 40s – and while she was raised Methodist and he Baptist, life has dealt them challenges which have resulted in them each tasting the bitterness of divorce and in her case, twice. It has an incredible aftertaste. For her part, the bride is not as naïve as she was at 17 when she first wed. In fact, she was fairly gun-shy of going down this road a third time. And for his, well...he wants to be a stand-up guy and take an active role in the raising of his son.

It was a small wedding with perhaps only twenty people in attendance. The bride's father never showed and so she walked up to the altar by herself. On the groom's side, one of his daughters recently graduated from high school is very clearly in the family way. And as for the bride's kids, despite having gone through a break-up in their family structure twice before it's clear that they care about one another and are willing to give this third restructuring a chance.

But just who goes with who?

While the couple do not worship with us at Refuge, they are representative of the “traditional” weddings that I preside at these days. In 2007-08 I had the honor of presiding at four weddings – three of which were on three successive weekends in a row – at which both bride and groom were both young and child-less (three of the four couples now bounce a baby on their knees), a rare thing in my ministry. Which is not to say that I look askance at those who are entering into a marital covenant a second or third time. Life happens. Marriages dissolve for all kinds of reasons. And while some pastors and fellowships are persuaded that “one and done” is the standard that we must hold to (apart from the death of one of the spouses), I am not one of those. I believe in second chances – and third ones, too. The make-up of our fellowship reveals that: about half are what used to be referred to as “nuclear” families and half are blended ones. And each is not exempt from the challenges that life presents all married people. It’s just that those who have suffered an amputation like a divorce often have additional stressors to contend with as they seek to deal with those challenges.

Though I have not come to take a lot of stock in what a couple “hears” me say at their wedding, I am more and more aware that the message I share is more for the benefit of those who are their guests to remind and exhort them to holy living with regards to “this holy estate of marriage” that their loved ones are entering into.

Here’s what I shared on Saturday:

Pastors like me who spend a lot of time among regular church-going Christians lament a lot about the changing look of the American family. Statistically speaking the experts tell us that today there is no difference between people of faith and people without any professed faith with regards to divorce – 1 out of 2 marriages end this way. In other words, if you decide to marry in America you have a 50/50 chance of making it. In most churches that I have contact with – this one included – that 50/50 ratio plays out: about half of the people who attend Refuge are married to their first spouse and about half are on their second – or in a few cases – third one. Divorce and remarriage leads to blended families – his, hers, and ours. Certainly at Roselawn Elementary right across the street that represents the majority of the student body today – step-brothers, step-sisters, half-brothers, half-sisters. The nuclear family – 1 man, 1 woman and their children – is now the minority in Chetek schools. So, a lot of pastors – myself included – are tempted to go into lament-mode decrying the breakdown of the American family and the corresponding increase of dysfunction in people's homes. And yeah, there is a lot of dysfunction out there. A lot of pain. A lot of anger. But really, I don't have to tell you this stuff...

Defiinitely not the Brady Bunch

But I just want to remind you both that the standard family you're likely to meet in the Bible is dysfunctional with a capital D. Cain murdered his brother Abel because he was jealous of him. Jacob tricked his brother Esau out of his birthright and then in cahoots with his mother, pulled the literal wool down over the eyes of his father and stole Esau's birthright, too. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers and that was Plan B! Plan A had been to do away with him outright. David kept marrying different women and as his brood grew, so did their troubles – Amnon rapes his half-sister, Tamar; when Absalom – her full brother – hears this he plans his revenge and sometime later, murders Amnon; when he is banished from the kingdom for this deed, Absalom goes off and plans his ultimate revenge against his father and later incites a civil war in the kingdom whose root cause is his unresolved differences between father and son. So, I think you get it – most of the families you run into the Bible have more than their fair share of dysfunction. In fact, a lot of these families have more in common with reality TV than most people who attend local churches.

So, here's my point: marriage is originally God's idea; that so many people do so bad at it doesn't change the fact that it's still his idea. Dysfunction happens – show me a family without dysfunction and more than likely we're talking about a family we don't know too well. Every family has some degree of dysfunction within it because every family is made up of imperfect, and, frankly, sinful free agents. All this to say that dysfunction is not an excuse for a failed marriage; immaturity – yes; unfaithfulness – certainly; selfishness – absolutely; but dysfunction – no. Have you've seen the T-shirt? – We put the FUN in dysFUNction? It's funny – and really, I don't have a problem with it so long as it's not reveling in bad family behavior. Families like yours can make their own kind of fun.

There's nothing I can say that will ultimately “divorce-proof” your marriage; I'm assuming that “you're in it, to win it” so fear God, love each other and make it work – for your sake and for all these kids. Here's just my personal observation: people love weddings, they love – or most of them do – getting all dolled up in a dress that's killer and then heading off to a reception where they can dance the night away. The groom hasn't looked so good for as long as anyone can remember and the bride looks dazzling. In this digital age, the photo sessions that precede and follow the ceremony transform an average couple’s wedding into an event. Yeah, we love a good wedding. It's marriage that people aren't as excited about - regular, daily, sometimes boring monogamy but for those who commit and trust to God's grace to love their spouse and make good on the vows you're about to make over time love grows, widens, deepens, lengthens.

Paul, a close associate of Jesus put it this way:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corin 13:4-7, NLT)

That kind of love doesn't come out of a cereal box and you don't find it on Facebook nor can you buy an app for that. It comes as two people ask God for his grace to love their spouse through thick and thin, good times and bad. So - go the distance. Make the statisticians wrong in your case and not only will you be blessed but all these kids here will be blessed as well.

I’m composing this while my wife is sleeping off the anesthetic the hospital gave her this morning for an oblation that was done in order to correct a certain form of arrhythmia. While sitting in the family lounge while the procedure was being performed, I was thumbing through a TIME magazine when I came across Joel Stein’s tongue-in-cheek column following the termination of Kim Cardashian’s 72-day marriage (to even write that it is farcical to me):

We have created a wedding culture where marriage is less important than the wedding, which is less important than the Vegas bachelorette party, which is less important than the Facebook photos of the bachelorette party.
(“The End of Kardaschadenfreude” by Joel Stein in TIME November 14, 2011)

What good Bible preacher couldn’t say AMEN to that?

This would be hilarious if it wasn't so true

I wish this couple well. I would feel better if they were committed to attending a Christian fellowship -ours or another - where they could be strengthened and encouraged in making good on their vows. And while I have told them as much at the present time they appear to be at that "we'll-have-to-wait-and-see"-mode which experience tells me is just a nice way of saying no to a pastor's counsel. Frankly, I'm nervous for them because it appears to me that they are walking blind into a field laden with landmines. One false step and its game over. May God give them the smarts enough to do better than "hope to good luck." Because they're gonna need more than just luck to get them through.